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Understanding Coercive Control and Narcissistic Abuse:

Understanding Coercive Control and Narcissistic Abuse: Breaking Free and Finding Support. Emma Davey was recently a guest speaker on The Uncensored Patriots.

Breaking Free and Finding Support

Coercive control and narcissistic abuse are terms that describe insidious forms of emotional and psychological manipulation that can leave victims feeling trapped, isolated, and powerless. These forms of abuse often go unnoticed by outsiders, making it critical to raise awareness and provide resources for those affected. This post explores what coercive control and narcissistic abuse entail, their impact, and how victims in the UK can access help, including innovative tools like the MyNARA app developed by Emma Davey.

Emma Davey was recently a guest speaker on The Uncensored Patriots. See below to listen to the space. It was fantastic of Emma to share her time and expertise and she answered several questions, put to her from listeners.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate and manipulate another person, stripping away their autonomy and self-worth. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control often relies on non-physical tactics such as intimidation, gaslighting, isolation, and financial control. It’s about power—keeping the victim under the abuser’s thumb through fear and dependency.

Examples include:

  • Monitoring: Tracking movements, phone use, or finances or social media activity.
  • Isolating them from friends and family, or support networks.
  • Gaslighting: Making victims doubt their reality or sanity.
  • Threats and intimidation: Using fear to enforce compliance, even without physical violence.
  • Controlling finances or access to resources.
  • Dictating what someone can wear or eat.

In the UK, coercive control is a criminal offense under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, recognising its devastating impact. Victims may not realise they’re being controlled until the pattern becomes overwhelming, which is why education and support are vital. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control often leaves no visible scars, but its effects—such as anxiety, depression, and loss of identity—are profound. It’s about power, creating an environment where the victim feels they have no choice but to obey.

Narcissistic Abuse: A Deeper Dive

Narcissistic abuse stems from individuals with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). These abusers manipulate through tactics like love-bombing (overwhelming affection to hook the victim), devaluation (criticism and belittling), and discarding (abandoning the victim once their “use” is over). Gaslighting—making the victim doubt their reality—is a hallmark, leaving them questioning their sanity.

Is Your Partner Coercively Controlling You?

Everyone argues from time to time. However, if there is a consistent pattern of behaviour from your partner that intimidates, upsets, hurt, harms, demeans or prevents you from making your own decisions, your partner may be using coercively controlling behaviour. If you answer ‘yes’ you may be being abused. Find the DASH Risk Checklist questions here:

  • Does you partner stop you from seeing friends or family?
  • Do they go through your phone or e-mails?
  • Does your partner make you check in with them when you go somewhere?
  • Does your partner tell you what to wear?
  • Does your partner tell you who you can see or speak to?
  • Does your partner criticise or undermine you?
  • Does your partner prevent you from doing things?
  • Does your partner make you feel bad about yourself or your life?
  • Do you have to ask permission to do things?
  • Does your partner check up on you, follow you or monitor you either in real life or online?
  • Does your partner regularly accuse you of flirting, looking at others or cheating on them?
  • Is your partner jealous or controlling?
  • Do you ever change your behaviour as you are afraid of what your partner will do?
  • Do they prevent you from sleeping or taking medication?
  • Do they pressure you to drink or take substances?
  • Do they pressure you to have sex with them or others?
  • Do they make you do things of a sexual nature that hurt your or make you feel bad?
  • Does your partner make the rules and regulations and micro manage you?
  • Has your partner prevented you from taking medicine or seeking medical help?
  • Has your partner threatened to take the child(ren) away?
  • Has your partner tried to stop you leaving the house?
  • Has your partner ever destroyed your possessions?
  • Have you ever been afraid of your partner at any time?
  • Does your partner prevent you from being in education or employment?
  • Does your partner take the money you earn?
  • Does your partner refuse to let you access a bank account?
  • Does your partner control how and when money is spent?
  • Does your partner dictate what you can buy?
  • Does your partner make you ask for money or provide an allowance?
  • Does your partner check your receipts or bank statement?
  • Does your partner make you justify each purchase?
  • Does your partner control the use of property such as phone or car?
  • Does your partner insist all economic assets (e.g. savings, house) are in their name?
  • Does your partner keep financial information secret?
  • Does your partner steal your money or property?
  • Do they cause damage to your property?
  • Does your partner refuse to contribute to household costs?
  • Do they spend money needed for household items or bills?
  • Do they build up debt in your name?
  • Do they insist all bills, credit cards & loans are in your name and make you pay for them?

The cycle can be exhausting:

  • Idealisation: The abuser showers the victim with praise.
  • Devaluation: They criticize and undermine, eroding confidence.
  • Discard: The abuser withdraws, only to “hoover” the victim back later with false promises.

Emma Davey, a UK-based trauma-informed counsellor and survivor, describes narcissistic abuse as “deadly” because it can push victims to emotional or physical breaking points. Her work highlights the importance of recognising these patterns early. https://mynara.app

The Impact on Victims

The effects of coercive control and narcissistic abuse are profound and can have devastating psychological and emotional effects. Victims often experience:

  • Mental health struggles/Emotional Trauma: Chronic anxiety, Depression, Complex PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
  • Loss of identity: Constant manipulation erodes self-esteem. Victims may feel they’ve lost their sense of self or purpose.
  • Isolation: Abusers often sever social ties, leaving victims with no support.
  • Physical health decline: Stress can manifest as sleep issues, fatigue, or chronic pain.

The trauma bond—a chemical dependency similar to addiction—makes leaving particularly challenging. Victims may return to abusers multiple times, believing they can “fix” the relationship.

Emma Davey emphasises that recovery is possible but challenging, as victims may develop trauma bonds—addictions to the abuser akin to substance dependency. Breaking free requires support, validation, and practical tools.

MyNARA: A Lifeline for Victims

Emma Davey, a qualified integrative counsellor, created the MyNARA app (My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery App) to empower victims of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Emma Davey, a UK-based trauma-informed counsellor, knows these struggles first-hand. After enduring six years of coercive control and narcissistic abuse from her ex-partner, who was convicted in 2022, she transformed her pain into purpose. Fleeing to Australia, she qualified as a counsellor and founded MyTraumaTherapy, later creating MyNARA (My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery App) to help others. Launched in October 2023, MyNARA is a discreet tool designed to help survivors document abuse and access recovery resources safely.

Key features include:

  • Secure Evidence Storage: Victims can upload texts, photos, videos or recordings to a cloud that neither they nor their abuser can delete, preserving evidence for legal action.
  • Red flag monitor: Helps users identify patterns of narcissistic behaviour.
  • Journaling: A private space to log incidents, helping victims process and validate their experiences.
  • Recovery Program: A ÂŁ6.99/month recovery course with videos and exercises to break trauma bonds and rebuild confidence. The 12-phase “NarcArmour” program guides users toward healing.
  • Disguised interface: The app cloaks itself as a utility to avoid detection by abusers.
MyNARA empowers victims to document abuse safely and access support 24/7. Available on app stores or at www.mynara.app, it’s a vital resource for those seeking safety and justice. http://www.mynara.app/

Davey’s app addresses a critical gap: gathering evidence for prosecution, which she struggled with when her abuser destroyed her phones and hacked her devices. MyNARA empowers victims to document abuse safely and access support 24/7, especially when specialist counsellors are scarce or costly. Available on app stores or at www.mynara.app, it’s a vital resource for those seeking safety and justice.

Steps to Break Free

Leaving an abusive situation is daunting, but small steps can lead to freedom:

  1. Recognise the abuse: Educate yourself on coercive control and narcissistic tactics.
  2. Document safely: Use tools like MyNARA to record evidence without risking retaliation.
  3. Build a support network: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or helplines.
  4. Plan your exit: Work with a domestic abuse charity to ensure safety and access resources.
  5. Prioritise healing: Engage in self-care and therapy to rebuild your sense of self.

Moving Forward

Coercive control and narcissistic abuse thrive in silence, but awareness and support can break their hold. Emma Davey’s MyNARA app is a testament to the power of resilience, offering practical tools to escape and heal. In the UK, victims have access to helplines, legal protections, and innovative solutions to reclaim their lives. If you or someone you know is struggling, don’t wait—reach out to a helpline, download MyNARA, or contact a counsellor. You are not alone, and freedom is possible.

Finding Support in the UK

Breaking free from coercive control or narcissistic abuse requires courage and resources. Here are key support options in the UK:

  • National Domestic Abuse Helpline: Call 0808 2000 247 (24/7) for confidential advice.
  • Women’s Aid: Offers online resources and local refuge services (www.womensaid.org.uk).
  • Men’s Advice Line: Support for male victims at 0808 801 0327 (www.mensadviceline.org.uk).
  • MyNARA App: Downloadable via the MyNARA website, offering tools for evidence collection and recovery.
  • Counselling Services: Look for trauma-informed therapists via the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk).
  • Legal Support: Contact a solicitor specializing in domestic abuse or seek advice from Citizens Advice (www.citizensadvice.org.uk).

If you’re in immediate danger, call 999. For non-emergencies, report coercive control to the police, as it’s a crime carrying up to seven years’ imprisonment.

References & Useful Links

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Jennifer

Jennifer

Over 25 years experience working in the Health, Social Care and Education Sector. Northern lass with a very common sense approach and try to avoid jargon, wherever possible!
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